plus a few new ones that occur to me.
There was a time when I attempted to come up with humorous weekly sayings. Boy, weeks went by fast. Explanations have been added in blue when someone has said, "I don't get it".
|I was going to try the vegan diet. Turns out shooting them is a crime.|
|It's not "artificial intelligence." It's "synthetic intelligence." Artificial intelligence is what I used on history exams.|
|f you can do it, it IS bragging. If you can't do it, it's lying. (correction of, "hey, if you can do it, it's not bragging.")|
|The earlier bird gets the Tequila.|
|I'm against gay marriage...the other day I called my wife and a man answered.|
|Thou shalt not worship false particles. (the "God particle")|
|Colorado wildfires flush out Bigfoot, leaves big carbon footprint.|
|A fool and his pyrite are soon parted.|
|If you invent a better sidewalk, they won't beat a path to your door.|
|...but that goes without saying.|
|A watched pot never boils. The water does, however.|
|Plagiarism is the insincerest form of flattery.|
|Don't learn from your mistakes; learn from your successes. The mistakes were wrong.|
|Those who are willing sacrifice safety to secure liberty usually don't have to.|
|Blood is thicker than water. Paint thinner helps.|
|If God wanted Man to fly, He really goofed up.|
|To catch a glance, cast a doubt. (It's a fishing thing.)|
|Two wrongs make little baby wrongs.|
|Truth is stranger than fiction. Really boring fiction.|
|Winning isn't everything. There is Pluto, for example. (Ha! Not any more!) Pluto was a randomly picked "thing" which wasn't "winning". Oh, never mind.|
|'Tis better to have loved and won.|
|There is more to life than money. Fortunately, most of it is for sale.|
|There is nothing to fear but fear itself, which scares me.|
|A bookmobile is poetry in motion.|
|Reach for the stars. Use tongs. (They're hot. Good grief.)|
|Actually, fast and steady wins most races.|
|The grass stains are always greener in the neighbor's laundry.|
|A penny saved is, well, pathetic.|
|You body is a temple...big as a barn and pointy on top.|
|There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And polar bears. Fear and polar bears. And asteroids. Fear, polar bears, and asteroids. And little blue hats. Maybe not so much.|
|Rich people have an afterlife by sheer strength of will.|
|Two wrongs don't make a right but two rights make a 180.|
|You are what you eat. I'm a cow. Moo.|
|Behind every great man is a good woman. The bad ones are ahead.|
|Behind every great man is a good scandal.|
|Never mind horses, never look a gift-camel in the mouth!|
|I've discovered how to eat all the pasta you want without gaining an ounce: antipasta! (Yes, I know it ends with an "o".)|
|Follow your dreams, except the one where you forgot a class, you can't find the room and it's test day.|
|God helps those who help themselves. It's pretty easy. (He doesn't have to do anything.)|
|If you want the job done right, do it yourself. Then have it redone.|
|When a submarine captain goes down with his ship, nobody is impressed.|
|The money's always greener in the neighbor's pocket.|
|Being ahead in the polls: good. Being a head on a pole: bad.|
|The end is near; run for the other end!|
|He who is lost, hesitates.|
|Speak softly and carry a big megaphone.|
|Life is like a box of chocolates. First, it makes you fat. Then it kills you.|
|Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it, unless they squeak by with a C-. (One "repeats" history class if one gets a failing grade.)|
|Grab the brass ring only when appropriate. Carousel: yes. Bullfight: no.|
|A Rolling Stone gathers no moss but a rolling Beetle gathers dung.|
|Youth is wasted on the young; expensive sports cars are wasted on the old.|
|Variety is the spice of life but Lawry's is also good.|
|The shortest path to a man's heart is through his stomach - just ask any pork rind.|
|Honesty is the best policy. But go for term, not whole life.|
|Money can't buy happiness; it's more of a rental arrangement.|
|There's never time to do it right but always time to get someone else to do it over.|
|A woman's work is never done. Lazy, I suppose.|
|Nature abhors a vacuum. Me too. Vacuum sucks.|
|Never elect a politician.|
|When those around you are losing their heads, don't be a chicken.|
|An exception proves the rule, except when it disproves the rule.|
|A watched clock never boils.|
|Be careful where your prepositions are at.|
|If anything can go wrong, it w<CHR$73><CHR$76><CHR$76><CHR$33>|
|He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, as does his enemy.|
|The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time, except weekends.|
|Laughter is the best medicine but penicillin is good, too.|
|Fat Texans "remember the ala Mode".|
|Power corrupts, or corrodes, in the case of electricity.|
|If something seems too good to be true, mess it up a little.|
|The "greenhouse effect" is harmless without the "greensenate effect".|
|You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today; evade it tomorrow.|
|As Sagan said, "We are star-stuff". I'm mostly Tom Cruise. (I've gotta pick a better star.)|
|Don't swim against the tide. Exercise bikes have a similar problem. (You don't get anywhere.)|
|He who laughs last needs coffee.|
|The early bird only gets the early worm.|
|It is an evil wind that bloweth no man good. Well, duh!|
|If you can't beat 'em, enjoin 'em.|
|A picture is worth a thousand words but it takes more memory space.|
|When in Rome, rise and fall. (You know, The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire and "...do as the Romans do". It isn't dirty.)|
|Hey Hamlet, 2B or 2B is 1.|
|Great Ideas From the Past: The Pet Rock - you can't beat that with a stick!|
|Here in Texas its not the heat...Yes it is.|
|A liar weaves a tangled web. So does a drunk spider.|
|Youth is wasted on the young and wisdom is wasted on the old.|
|If you are a worm, sleep in.|
|When seeking a job as a boxer, try to make a good fist impression.|
|The early bird is still eating worms.|
|Never put off... (to be continued)|
|The meek shall inherit the Earth. We are all headed to Zircon.|
|The meek shall inherit the Earth. Darn liberal probate judges!|
|The natural order of things is disorder.|
|If you can't stand the heat, get out of the frying pan.|
|It's not who you know that counts; it's who knows you, stranger.|
|Don't count your chickens before they're hatched; just count the eggs.|
|All is fair in love and war, and there are other similarities, too.|
|It is better to give than to receive, unless chocolate is involved.|
|Don't ovr. abbr.|
|Never call someone "unliterate".|
|The meek shall inherit the Earth, or what's left of it, anyway.|
|You can beat a dead horse to water.|
|When a battery is dying, it sees a dim, yellow light.|
|If it is broke, fix it.|
|It's also always darkest before total blackness.|
|Good things come to he who pays.|
|Women are from Venus; men are from Earth.|
|The best defense is a strong offensive odor.|
|We stand on the shoulders of all those who came before us, really just skeletons at this point.|
|A car is stolen every 20 minutes. It's a really nice car.|
|It takes money to make money. Actually, you are pretty much done at that point.|
|Leaders are made, not born, except born leaders.|
|When you reach the bottom, the only way to go is up. Too bad all your bones are broken.|
|I'm a poet and didn't know I was.|
|All humans are born free. And that's about the right price for most of them. (Supposed to be funny because of the abrupt attitude shift.)|
|The buck slows down slightly here.|
In school I started an experimental fraternity, Beta Beta Beta.
Behind every great man is a good woman; behind every great woman is a good behind.
There are no stupid questions just stupid sayings.
Poker: Bluff - a sheep in wolf's clothing. Smooth Call - a wolf in sheep's clothing. Limp - a sheep in sheep's clothing. All-in - a wolf in wolf's clothing.
When someone is fishing you usually can't see their bait.
If at second you don't succeed you're starting to look stupid.
Diets are like a unicycle, easy to start but hard to stay on.
The pen is mightier than the sword but go with the handgun.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, make me really love you.
Don't say "with au jus sauce" or "frozen tundra".
"Original intent" - what other kind is there?
A penny saved is a waste of time.
The great thing about being poor: you can take it with you.
A dog is man's best friend and sometimes his wife.
Dyslexic Beatnik Financial Adviser: "It takes bread to make dough."
Middle East Policy: trust, but vitrify.
Analogies are like this.
Failed Products and Questionable Slogans:
L&Ls "melt in your hand, not in your
Take the Happiness Test!
"Daddy, why do people give beggars money?" "Well, son; if they didn't, the beggars wouldn't be there and you wouldn't be asking the question. It's called the 'Philanthropic Principle'." (Read about the "anthropic principle".)
Tried to measure the biorithms of a tree but the meter kept 'pegging.' Turns out I needed a log scale. Or, trees don't have biorithms; they have logarithms.
Hitchhiker wanders into a plastic surgeon's office. "Hey doc., can you give me a lift?"
Doctor and nurse in the janitor's closet. Nurse says, " Doctor, oh my!" Doctor says, "Okay, now cough."